


hesitate, then move forward

by words_unravel



Series: always-a-girl!Spencer [1]
Category: Panic At The Disco, The Young Veins
Genre: Always-a-girl, F/M, Genderswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-03
Updated: 2010-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-07 00:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_unravel/pseuds/words_unravel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan has been sneaking into her bedroom for so long that Spencer doesn't really even wake up any more, just moves closer to the wall and lets him slide in and tuck himself behind her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hesitate, then move forward

**Author's Note:**

> [**A/N:** just trying to get back into the swing of writing, be gentle.]  
> [**Prompt:** inspired by the lyrics - _i felt so bad when your mom caught us eating ice cream in your room at three in the morning / Cause i'd hate for her to not want me around her daughter cause my heart stops every time_ \- Two Weeks in Hawaii by HelloGoodbye.]  
> [**Beta:** _cloudlessclimes_, _universeunfold_]

*

Ryan has been sneaking into her bedroom for so long that Spencer doesn't really even wake up any more, just moves closer to the wall and lets him slide in and tuck himself behind her. Most people find their friendship odd, have called them all sorts of dirty names and wouldn't hesitate to cry 'aha!' if they knew that Ryan slept in her bed. Spencer could give a flying fuck what other people think, really, about her relationship with Ryan Ross. She may balk at her self-image and what others think of _her_, but she's never, ever hesitated to kick somebody's ass for saying something derogatory about her best friend.

Something's different tonight, though. Spencer can feel the tension that's thrumming through Ryan and she knows that it's going to be impossible to fall back to sleep with Ryan practically vibrating next to her. There's that, too, Ryan's keeping distance from her, hasn't slid in close or thrown his arm across her stomach like he normally does. (Spencer's pretty sure Ryan likes that, being the one curled around _her_, like he's the Protector.) After a few minutes, she can't take it any longer and rolls over.

It's dark, but the moon is full tonight and she can see Ryan's profile, against the light shining in through the window. His eyes are closed, lashes resting against his cheeks, but they're a little clumped, stuck together. Spencer can see the traces of dried tears along his skin. There's a spike of anger so white-hot that for a second Spencer can't see anything, not until she hears a shaky intake of breath, then Ryan's face comes back into abrupt focus.

His eyes are open now, although his gaze is firmly fixed on her ceiling. Her quiet, "Ryan?" goes unanswered, and when she touches her fingertips to the inner curve of his elbow, he jerks away. Spencer ignores the tiny twist in her stomach, just reaches out again. This time Ryan is still and Spencer slides her hand down, entwines their fingers. Ryan's fingers curl in hard with hers and that little twist disappears.

The silence floats around the room, but Spencer doesn't chase it, knows that Ryan will talk to her when he's ready. After a while, he finally turns his head, and even though she can't see his eyes clearly, Spencer knows their exact color, knows them as well as she knows her own.

"You wouldn't do that, would you, Spence?" Before Spencer can ask what, Ryan's rolling onto his side, "You wouldn't cheat on your boyfriend, right?"

And now Spencer knows exactly what's happened. The urge to punch something (Andrea) is so strong Spencer doesn't realize her hand's curled into a fist until Ryan's strained _Spencer_. Ryan's hands are skin and bone and Spencer forgets how much drumming has strengthened her own. With effort, she loosens her grip.

"Ryan-"

"Fuckin' Rick Jordan, can you believe that?" He rolls onto his back again, dragging their hands to rest on his stomach. "Motherfuckin' _Rick Jordan_, " softer this time. Rick Jordan is captain of the basketball team, one of the seniors that their school reveres, and the total opposite of everything that is Ryan Ross.

Spencer really hates Andrea.

She doesn't understand, really, what Andrea was thinking. Ryan is a retardedly awesome boyfriend. Spencer _knows_ \- they're best friends with eleven years of growing up in each other's pockets, she's seen how he treats his girlfriends - she knows _him_. In truth, Spencer is always a little jealous of Ryan's girlfriends. Not that Spencer's had a boyfriend. Hell, she's barely even kissed anyone (she never told Ryan about that time with Brent behind the gym last year. She likes Brent, knows that Ryan's as protective of her as she is of him, so she'd like Brent to be able to bear children in the future).

They lie there in silence for a little bit longer before Spencer decides this is getting ridiculous (she's never been the one for gratuitous moping) and slides out of bed. She puts a finger to her lips when Ryan's voice rises on "Where are you- " and glares at him. He settles back on the bed and she quietly slips out the door and downstairs.

Ryan is staring out the window when she returns, and looks startled when the door clicks shut. She considers it a success, though, when a smile slowly spreads across his face as he realizes what she's handed him.

Spencer's brought up a bowl of chocolate for herself because she hates strawberry. Spencer's mom has always bought a quart of strawberry ice cream since Spencer can remember because Ryan _loves_ it. They both slide to the floor, backs resting against the bed.

She makes a face as Ryan shoves a huge spoonful into his mouth and then stifles a laugh when his eyes cross from the cold. Some things never change, and Spencer relaxes at that thought. They eat in silence for a bit until Ryan asks quietly, "You wouldn't though, right, Spencer?"

She sighs, looks over to where Ryan's not eating, just staring at Spencer, waiting for an answer.

"I mean if you and Brent-" Spencer nearly chokes, feels her cheeks heating up, "-were to get together, you wouldn't cheat on him."

"First of all, Brent and I aren't ever going to 'get together', Ryan, but if I _was_ dating him, I wouldn't cheat on him."

There's a small but sly twist to Ryan's lips as he continues, "True. Brent couldn't handle you. I mean, it only took, like, three minutes for me to get it out of him, that he made a move last year. Behind the gym, no less." Ryan scoffs. Spencer's pretty sure that the blush on her face can be seen from outer space. (She also plans to kill Brent which, you know, too bad about those future Wilson babies.)

Spencer can feel Ryan staring at her, but she refuses to rise to the bait, just continues to slowly work on her ice cream. She feels, more than sees it, when Ryan drops his head back onto the bed; hears the clink of his spoon against the side of the bowl when he sets it down. There's a huge sigh, and Spencer keeps from rolling her eyes as she puts her own bowl to the side. She shifts, angles her body towards Ryan and is just about to say something like _you know, Ryan, if you'd quit dating skanky 'ho girls, this wouldn't happen_ when Ryan, eyes closed, still with his head tipped back on her mattress, mumbles, "I should just date you."

She's kind of glad she's too busy choking on the air she's inhaled because Spencer can feel her face _burning_. However, it isn't enough to not notice the faint corresponding blush painting the tops of Ryan's cheeks.

She refuses to think it's cute.

This is _Ryan_, for crying out loud. Ryan isn't _cute_; he's awkward long limbs and too-big words. He's a stand-offish, soft-hearted idiot whom Spencer has to stop from dragging every single stray home. He's the dork who learned every dance move along with Spencer during her embarrassing Backstreet Boys phase, and he's -

Looking straight at her, body turned into her space, just watching. Spencer finally catches her breath.

She knows she should be saying something, telling Ryan to quit joking around, but she can't seem to make her mouth form the words. He's got that stupid My Chemical Romance shirt on, she notices. The one she'd totally made fun of after seeing his latest LJ entry. Only it kind of really emphasizes his shoulders. And when he starts to get disgruntled at Spencer's lack of response and folds his arms across his chest, it causes the shirt to ride up.

And Spencer was there when he bought those stupidly low-rise _girl_ jeans and she doesn't remember thinking about the cut of his hip when he'd wandered out of the dressing room, shirt hitched up, asking her opinion.

Spencer knows it definitely wasn't the mind-numbing _huh._ that's currently going through her head.

Ryan must see something on her face because he tilts his head and the annoyance in his eyes fades into something else, considering. Words aren't coming to her and she needs to say something, laugh, _anything_ to break this new weird tension that's between them. But nothing's coming to her and Spencer feels her breath catch as Ryan unfolds his arm and starts to lean forward. One of his hands goes to the floor between them and Spencer doesn't know why her stomach flutters as it just barely brushes against her pajama bottoms. _Oh god, what the hell are they doing-_

The door creaks when it opens, "Spencer? Why are you still up-" The tone changes from slightly scolding to one with a hint of worry, "-Ryan? Is everything okay?"

Spencer has never, ever been so glad to see her mom in her entire life. Scrambling to her feet, she grabs their empty bowls and slides past her mom. Her entire family adores Ryan, it won't take much to sweet-talk the late-hour, climbing-through-the window issue. And sure enough, by the time she gets back, Ryan's tucked cozily inside the sleeping bag that's always sitting right inside Spencer's closet.

It only takes one half-strangled, embarrassed _Mom_ to get the the light switched off. Although now the door is propped open a little, a sliver of soft yellow light from the hallway angling along the floor, across the foot of Ryan's still form.

It's quiet, really fucking quiet, and Spencer still has no idea what the hell almost happened. Just that it was scary and huge and she's not ready. She's not ready for things to change even though it's going to be impossible. They're growing older and summer has gone by even faster than last year, and the one constant she has is Ryan. If she loses that-

"Spencer, quit thinking so hard, " laughter is evident in Ryan's voice, "One of these days your brain is going to explode, seriously."

Something settles in her stomach, and she smiles in the dark. Even though she can't see it clearly, Spencer knows there's an answering smile on Ryan's face.

Which is exchanged a second later with a well-aimed pillow to the face and Spencer has _always_ had awesome aim. Even in the dark.

*

Andrea's nose is a bloody mess by the time Ryan pulls Spencer off of her. He doesn't stop her though, when she kicks Rick Jordan in the balls. She glares at Rick over her shoulder as the teacher leads her away, but he's too busy trying not to throw up from the pain to notice.

Ryan is waiting when Spencer pushes her way through the school doors after detention.

*

**Author's Note:**

> [posted in main journal [here](http://prettykitty-aya.livejournal.com/223158.html) on 08/25/08]  
> [x-posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/bandslashmania/831072.html) on 08/26/08]


End file.
